I was flipping through the channels one Monday afternoon and came across one of my favourite women speakers, talking about something that must’ve been very profound, if only I’d payed attention. I was busy mulling over the words she quoted just as I tuned in. “Well behaved women seldom make history”. This quote struck me. I was sure I’d heard it somewhere before, but on this particular day I was actually giving it some thought.
And what I thought troubled me.

“Whilst I would like to think of myself as a confident, care-free, no-holds barred kind of girl, who says what she thinks and acts how she feels, the reality paints a far grimmer picture“

These now legendary words were originally stated by a woman called Laura Ulrich in 1976, who was lamenting about Christian women’s funerals in Puritan America.
The words hit me like a bucket of ice water dunked on my head, because I realised flip! I’m it! A Christian woman, yes, but…a well behaved woman!
Whilst I would like to think of myself as a confident, care-free, no-holds barred kind of girl, who says what she thinks and acts how she feels, the reality paints a far grimmer picture.
I don’t speak up when I may have something useful to say. I’m always uncertain, because uncertainty is less intimidating. I’m afraid to ask too many questions, and I’ll never take if it’s not first given to me. I definitely DO NOT offer my opinion when it’s not warranted, and I try not to make my presence extremely felt; I don’t want to get in anyone’s way. I’m afraid to fail, so I never try.

“The good woman will never rock the boat. She sticks to the boundaries society dictates for her, regardless of how suffocating they are. She never asks questions, never takes risks“

I think that qualifies me as a well behaved woman (SCREAMS).
The good woman will never rock the boat. She sticks to the boundaries society dictates for her, regardless of how suffocating they are. She never asks questions, never takes risks. She lets other people make decisions for her, and never raises her voice. She always asks for permission to live her best life, and tries to make everyone happy.
She is the silenced woman, silenced by her own fears and the blank stares of those who fear her.
In 2007 Laura Ulrich penned a book after realising how much her quote had caught on. In it, she actually laments history’s bias in remembering unconventional women versus conventional ones.
I say, just as well.
I don’t see history looking so well on people – men and especially women – who towed the line, followed the standard and stuck to the rules of how things ‘ought’ to be, and with good reason. Why should they be celebrated? Otherwise we’d still be towing those same lines they sought to keep, reciting the same empty words instead of scripting new ones.
Now, I understand a quote like this can be a runaway; a wildly uncontrollable parrot that takes on a life of it’s own whilst losing the original meaning. If good girls never change the world, bad ones do, right? And what exactly is the definition of “bad”, “well-behaved” or “history-making”? All these questions need to be asked.
I won’t be the one to answer them though. In the meantime, the shaky sample size of one – myself – tells me that waiting for somebody’s permission to take life by the reigns and chart my own course won’t see me THRIVE. Justice begins when I break free from self-imposed and man-made limitations and begin to author my own story.
It’s a journey.
Thankfully, I have many heroes who have blazed the trail before me, and shown me how it’s done.
From the Biblical Esther who went in uninvited, to Winne Mandela, my own countrywoman and antiapartheid leader who led the struggle for freedom fiercely in the absence of her husband .They were not the well-behaved women who stood behind their great men, but at times stood in front of them, rebels with a cause.
They wore their pain along with their politics proudly, and antagonised the masters of their day who sought to viciously silence them.

“We also have modern day disruptors, women owning their fields and doing it unapologetically, with grace“

Soul mothers like Harriet Tubman continue to inspire yonks after their deaths, as their stories of rebellion against the conventions of their time continue to gild the chronicles of time.
We also have modern day disruptors, women owning their fields and doing it unapologetically, with grace. Everyday superwomen like our mothers, fierce in their love, who taught us to see ourselves differently than the world would have us see.
Whether quietly raising up champions, or boldly fielding questions in boardrooms, or raising their voices as they march in the streets, these women are not waiting for society to tell them ‘It’s OK to be extraordinary’. NO! They’re doing it because they want to do it – they own their destinies and are pursuing them – and that’s justice.
So, maybe I’ll start demanding what I know is rightfully mine. I’ll speak up when I know the answer. I’ll ask the hard questions, go in uninvited, and give that boat of conformity a little shake. Why not?

I will end with another famous quote by another wonder woman, Mariam Williamson…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate…but that we are powerful beyond measure…We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!! Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in e v e r y o n e. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”

Sesihle Nonopa Manzini

Instagram: @ccmanzy