I remember sitting at the bottom of one of the staircases at home and thinking all those people coming in were there to celebrate my birthday.
My dad passed away on my 8th birthday. I was a very innocent child and had no idea what was going on, neither how much that would affect my life.
Up until then life seemed like a beautiful adventure, always visiting beautiful and fun places as a family, hanging out with my dad and, whenever I got into trouble at home I knew I could run into his arms for rescue. – That was about to change, and the dynamics at home would never be the same again.

 

My dad passed away on my 8th birthday

 

Not long after my father passed away, my mum got very ill and had constant panic attacks. We spent many days and nights rushing to emergency rooms and the neighbours’ houses seeking for help. – that season was painful, and I was not ready to lose another parent.
I was not quite sure how to help my mum, all I knew to do was to be by her side and go wherever she went. I knew that if something was going to happen, that was beyond my strength, we needed a miracle so mum could remain alive, inside and out.
The next step I was about to take would not have been possible if I hadn’t grown up hearing about a good God, one that heals, does miracles and loves us. And that made me think that if He was real and could heal people then He could do that for my mum.

I didn’t know how to speak to God or “do a prayer” so one day, out of desperation and exhaustion, after rushing my mum to the hospital again, I asked God – ‘Please heal my mum.’
I remember it, as if it was yesterday when my mum walked into our home kitchen after a routine visit to the doctor; she brought with her the results of the tests they did on her and told me “The doctors don’t know how I am still standing, I could have collapsed or be brain dead.”

 

 

Comparison became a constant companion, I compared my life to the lives of kids who had a father, and thought their lives were better than mine, their houses were prettier, their mums were happier, they had the perfect family, and more, they had the perfect life

 

 

I quietly said “I know what happened, I prayed, this was God, He heard me”. I can’t explain to you how that made the God my family taught me about real to me, more real than anyone in my family had ever experienced before. – My mum had miraculously been healed and her brain was functioning normally, with no sequels.
Life started to get better at home but there was still an emptiness in my heart, which I tried to fill with going out and spending money, keeping up appearances and when I was confronted at home and arguments erupted, all I could think was “If dad was here, life would be different, things would be better.”
Comparison became a constant companion, I compared my life to the lives of kids who had a father, and thought their lives were better than mine, their houses were prettier, their mums were happier, they had the perfect family, and more, they had the perfect life, and from there, I started to feel less and less important, less loved, less worthy, less pretty, less smart, fun, and the list went on to less happy and satisfied.

Those words ‘You are less, you are less, you are less’ played in my mind a lot over many years, and with that the choices I started to make reflected the state of my heart.
In my early teens, I met a group of girls who invited me to a charismatic Catholic church, and there I had my first encounter with God, but it wasn’t until the year I went to University that I decided to take it seriously.
From the moment I opened up my heart to God, He came in and, the first thing He did was to reveal Himself as My Father, healing me from the biggest wound I had, the abandonment of my earthly father.

 

Through bad decisions, I went through a long-term relationship break-up, and reached my lowest, I was hurt, depressed and hopeless

 

Now I had a Father, but I didn’t know how to relate to Him. How much could I trust Him, would He always love me? I was afraid that God would stop loving me if He found out about my flaws, I tried to be perfect for as long as I could and hid myself behind religion and good deeds, in case He found out who I really was and left me too.
Through bad decisions, I went through a long-term relationship break-up, and reached my lowest, I was hurt, depressed and hopeless. I felt like a fraud and a fake. And, knowing that God could see me as I was made me feel like running away and hiding from Him; And, hiding was something I knew how to do well.

 

In my vulnerability, I experienced a deeper healing in my soul

 

I hid for as long as I could, to the point I had nowhere else to run from God or the people around me. In my vulnerability, I experienced a deeper healing in my soul. God’s love broke down the walls of my heart so fiercely and gently that all I could do was receive it.

At the same time, He used my mum and friends to take care of me, and their selfless and consistent love showed me that I didn’t have to do anything or be a better version of myself to be loved, they loved me in my highs and in my lows. I didn’t have to strive, I didn’t have to fake it, run after it, or even try and buy their love.
Today, more than ever, I can recognise that even the most painful phases of our lives serve a purpose even death. If I hadn’t experienced that so close to my heart I wouldn’t be able to say it but I am convinced that God’s love can revert any situation, and bring beauty from ashes.
To say to you that I don’t miss my dad or didn’t wish with all my heart that he was still alive would be a lie; Not every day is easy, some days I miss him more than others. But, there’s something in my life that overrides that, and it’s the truth that every single day of my life I have been loved, my dreams are coming to pass, and for the surprise of many, none of my birthdays are ever spent crying over my dad’s death.

 

I can’t explain how love can heal, I just know it does, it did it for me

 

How do you explain that, how can we make sense of life when death tries to push it away? – I can’t reason that, I will never be able to explain the impact that God’s love has had in my life, how He’s changed my mourning into dancing, and makes me smile every day, and even in the days I feel low, He lifts up my head and reminds me “You are loved, I am with you.” I can’t explain how love can heal, I just know it does, it did it for me.
Through God’s love I am learning to trust Him more, to listen more, to love again, make wiser choices, and most importantly I’ve gained a purpose and that purpose is to help others to believe they can overcome their pain and the past, and live to their full potential.
I have decided that whatever it cost me, I will always choose life. We can’t change our past, but we can create a better future with God.

Choose life.

 

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